Today in an effort to be healthier and get out of the house and get some time to myself I went to the park and took a walk. There were a few people around, so I thought it would be a good time to corner someone and make them feel uncomfortable, because I am getting really good at doing that.
I see an older gentleman and up until now I have stayed away from talking to men because I didn’t want it taken the wrong way and have them think I am hitting on them. But this guy looks like he is doing something fun that I could start a conversation about. His back is to me, but I can see that he has a book in his hand and binoculars, looking at some birds in the distance.
I approach him and start talking, ‘See anything interesting?’ He jumps, turns quickly, and looks startled.
‘Ma’am, I suggest you keep walking,’ he says.
His scary attitude makes me start rambling like a child that just got in trouble and is trying to explain why they did what they did. ‘I’m sorry, I just saw that you were bird watching and I have a bird book at home and birds in my backyard, and the front yard, well, and the side yards too. Although, I haven’t read the bird book, it’s not really a book that you read but-‘ he cuts me off with his hand in my face.
‘You need to move along, now.’
‘Sorry, I’m just doing this thing where I force myself to talk to someone and you looked like a nice person. But I just saw you from behind, so your behind looked nice,’ I laugh but he doesn’t. ‘That’s just a joke, your butt doesn’t look nice, I’m not hitting on you. Don’t tell my husband I said your butt looks nice. That’s why I don’t do this to your sex. I just said sex in a park, I hope there’s no cop around.’ My face is on fire now and from the moment I started talking he turned his back and is already tired of me and I haven’t gone away yet because I’m just frozen there like a deer in headlights. I don’t know why I can’t move.
He turns around and pulls something out of his pocket. This is why I was frozen, it’s my time, when your number is called, it’s called. What is wrong with me, why did I ever start doing this stupid talking to people thing? I should never talk to strangers. I should always just stay home where it’s safe and the killers can find someone else. Although, I would rather die in a park so my family doesn’t have to see the blood stain on the floor every time they eat breakfast.
‘Ma’am, you are impeding an investigation and I suggest you leave the park immediately,’ he shows me his badge.
‘An investigation?’ I look where his binoculars were pointed. Two people at a picnic table were talking adamantly, or at least it looked like that from this far away. ‘What’s going on, a drug deal? Hit men? Wow, I never thought this kind of thing goes on. I always wanted to be an investigator, I’m good at being sneaky and, oh, I’m really good at hide and seek. How do you know what’s going on?’ I look at him and he ignores me. I see a little thing in his ear, he must be listening to their conversation. I can’t believe this.
‘Ma’am leave, or I will have you arrested.’
‘Ok, but just tell me what they’re doing. This is so cool.’
‘They are breaking the law and so are you,’ he seems to be losing his patience. I see him whisper into his wrist and just a few seconds later I have a man dragging me backwards and I think, oh no, it’s my time, my number has been called.
My number wasn’t called, duh, I was able to write this for you. I didn’t even get arrested, just empty threats from the big bad snoops. But really, they were wonderful and so nice. Hi, just in case you spies are reading this. Thanks for not throwing me in the slammer, keep up the good work. And I learned my lesson, when someone says they don’t want to me to invade their privacy I will know they are probably invading someone else’s and to stay out of the way.