Well people, I am getting very brave. I decided to do something huge. I started a mommy group that walks every day, in order to get out of the house and get some exercise and also make friends. Let me just, say that this was scary. In my head I’m outgoing and everyone wants to be my friend, I’m the life of the party. But really, when it comes down to it and I am allowed the time to anticipate the whole thing I’m a sweaty, bumbling idiot. But I must try, so let’s walk mommies!
I found another mom in the area who agreed to meet me to walk. That’s good since I lost my best friend to a poop emergency a few weeks ago (read Week 2.) The days leading up to our walk were stressful, I bought pepper spray in case it was some crazy person pretending to be a nice innocent mommy. But in the end, it turned out to be a real mom, with kids and well, this is what happened.
We get out of our cars and start the awkward, are you so and so, yes, nice to meet you. Then we start to walk, which kind of helps to be a distraction from the stupidity that may come out of my mouth over the course of about an hour. And I realize that I didn’t think this out very well, because there is nowhere for an easy escape from me or for me. We are kind of stuck on a path about a mile from our cars, what is she going to tell me to stay put so she can speed walk away, all while dragging her kids along. Um, that’s actually what she did.
I got started on one of the rants that had been running inside my head during the countdown to our first walk. Is this person going to kill me, and my daughter, or how does she know I’m not the killer? That basically is what I said, ‘Can you believe how much pepper spray costs? I mean really, I don’t know if it even works, I didn’t test it, it could be an air freshener. And it would do nothing if you really wanted to kill me. If you wanted to, nothing could stop you. But how do you know that I’m not the crazy one, you don’t know me. Aside from the fact that I have a little child, but that wouldn’t keep me from doing bad things. There are plenty of bad people with kids, maybe that’s what drove them insane. I know I have felt that- Wait where are you going?’
‘You stay right there, don’t come after us!’ She yelled as they run away.
Ok, I’m a writer and my mind goes everywhere. And thanks mom for inducing paranoia in me at a young age, ‘Watch out for white vans!’ Maybe I should keep some things to myself and not talk about murdering someone I just met in a semi deserted area. Maybe I’ll try that next time, if there is a next time.
Please Invade My Privacy so, I don’t have to kill you, just kidding, I’m not a murderer. Or am I? Mmmwwwwahahahaha!!! Just kidding again, I’d never kill anyone, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, and it’s messy, there’s blood everywhere. I’d have to clean all that up and I’m a mom, I don’t have the energy to clean up everyone else’s mess and that. I need a nap.
Originally published at AndiLutz.com